I finally know why I'm the only one who has ever laughed at PaPa's batman jokes, why I'm the only one who retells the batman jokes, why I have a ridiculous obsession with all thing batman...the movies, the car, the villains, you get the idea...
Are you guys ready for this???
I went to the doctor on Thursday, good old Dr. Gaich, and I have officially been diagnosed as CATWOMAN!! That's right! Most of you know that he had previously assumed that I have 2 uteruses, so I went for my ultrasounds on Thursday and discovered that I have a Y-shaped uterus. Cats also have Y-shaped uteruses, therefore I am Catwoman! MEOW!
What does this mean? Other than an explanation for my Batman obsession? Well, from previous examinations, it appears that there is a septum, but I won't know for sure until I am actively trying to get pregnant, and I will have to get special x-rays. There were definitely two openings in my cervix, but the septum might not completely separate the two horns into two cavities. If it does, I may have to have surgery to remove it, but the surgery could be too risky. I don't know. Of course, we all know that I would rather adopt my children, and I have been rather outspoken about this. I would say I'm about 90% sure I want to adopt all of my children, but there is that nagging 10% that has always considered at least one biological child. Granted, I have not put too much thought into this, because I'm trying to get through school and I'm just not ready. It does, however, begin to weigh on one's mind when you are suddenly faced with the reality of the situation. When I think about all the risks involved, and all the ones I've read about online (big mistake) it does make me sad. I'm not gonna lie. I am still a woman with the natural desire to mother, which I know adoption will fulfill that desire in my heart, and maybe God was preparing me my whole life for the possibility that I might not be able to give birth. I've always been afraid, absolutely terrified of child birth, and maybe it was preparation for the fact that if I am able to carry a baby, it will no doubt be high-risk. And the idea of having to surgically prepare my body, along with various other treatments, in order to carry a child doesn't sound appealing to me. It is heartbreaking to hear such negative things, although dear old Dr. Gaich is a fertility specialist, so he tried to be as optimistic as possible. "I've delivered 3 babies this year from women with your condition," he said. Okay, great! The dude delivers like 4 babies a day!!! How many babies is that in a year?! Waaay more than 3, that's for darn sure!
I guess, for me, I can find peace in it. I have mixed feelings though. It's one thing to want to adopt, and to tell your future husband that you want to adopt but there's still the possibility of having biological children as well. I can get over my childbirth fears for someone I love enough. It's totally different when, of course you still want to adopt, but you have to face the fact that you may never be able to bear his children.
But I don't have to deal with that just yet. For now, I will live up to this Catwoman thing as much as possible! I'll just tell my future husband it will be way too risky to get pregnant, unless I have some really potent Bat Juice!
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I can be the first one to tell you that adoption fills the void, you know that. Yet, there is something else that infertility brings. Something that adoption will not fill. Infertility has the ability to make you feel less than a woman. Women were created to be their husbands helper and the mother of his children....scoffers check the B-I-B-L-E...it's there. ;) When our bodies refuse to follow what God intended there is an unexplainable sadness, deep down inside. A feeling that nags at the corner of your mind whispering that you aren't good enough...you are defective...you are worthless. Most days, those thoughts can be shoved back into the dark corners, yet they come back out at odd times....willing you to believe them. I hate that you are now sharing this dark corner thinking with me Kristy. The older sister in me wishes that I had born all of the infertile genes. I've lived it now for 8 years...I'm sorry for the shared grief. I love you and I'm here for you.
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